


The Fowl Movie

by FreedomWithWings



Category: Artemis Fowl
Genre: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Prayers for the movie, post-TLG
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24523576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreedomWithWings/pseuds/FreedomWithWings
Summary: "Artemis would really prefer to have had nothing to do with it, but perhaps felt some responsibility to ensure that a movie titled after him did not end up winning a Golden Raspberry Award."After years of development hell, Artemis was recruited as the creative consultant for the upcoming Artemis Fowl movie. He was tasked to interview the characters as part of research for the screenplay. As usual, nothing turned out as expected.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	The Fowl Movie

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in an AU following the events of The Last Guardian, where humans are aware of the existence of fairies and live harmoniously with them. Contains spoilers for The Lost Colony and The Last Guardian.

After languishing in the depths of development hell for the past 14 years, interest in producing the “Artemis Fowl” movie had finally picked up again. This was primarily due to the upcoming 5-year anniversary of successful human-fairy relations. Moments after Artemis learned that No. 1 was hired as the executive producer, his fairy communicator began ringing. The juvenile genius sighed, knowing what was to come. 

"This is going to be the greatest movie of all time, " No. 1 exclaimed. "And you, Artemis, have been extended the honor of participating as creative consultant! Aren’t you excited?" Artemis grimaced at No. 1’s unbridled enthusiasm. He would really prefer to have had nothing to do with it, but perhaps felt some responsibility to ensure that a movie titled after him did not end up winning a Golden Raspberry Award. 

“As the main star of the show, do you have any special requests?” Artemis carefully considered his response to the executive producer. “Just two. Film it in Ireland, the most magical place on Earth. And an Irish actor to play my character.”

“I will definitely put it at the top of my list, my dearest creative consultant.” Artemis grimaced again. This would definitely not go well.

~*~

Artemis approached Holly first to seek her inputs on how her character should be portrayed in the movie. Holly was enthusiastic, highlighting valuable insights and providing multiple drafts of the character interview notes herself. 

Casting was completed months later, and Artemis invited Holly to join a discussion with No.1. The female captain was largely agreeable throughout the meeting. The atmosphere was cordial, up until the actress cast as herself was revealed.

Holly’s sudden silence contrasted sharply with her enthusiastic exclamations mere minutes ago. “Wow… she’s… really feminine… and youthful and I’m sure she’s a wonderful actress and committed and great and all. But.. but..” Holly’s knuckles whitened. “She’s nothing like me! My mouth is plump and cherubic, my hair is cropped, and I’m an 80 year old LEPrecon captain for Frond's sake!” Holly could no longer hold herself back. “D’Arvit! I fight and apprehend criminals daily while this kid is still studying in high school!” 

Artemis winced at the outburst, but No.1 was unworried. “Holly,” the warlock said. “Her appearance may not be what you expected, but you should have seen her audition. Her performance was so touching that it brought half the interview panel to tears. Her acting skills are off the charts!” No.1 looked at Holly earnestly. “I hear and understand your concerns. However, do believe me that she would be able to portray your role perfectly with her unparalleled talents.” 

Silence followed for what seemed like an eternity, as Holly considered the argument that the warlock had put forward sincerely. At last, she sighed and threw her hands up, “Fine. I trust your judgment here, but please do not let me down.”

~*~

Artemis gave Mulch a call to check if he had any inputs for his character in the movie. Seconds later, he regretted it.

“Obviously the movie should feature my daring infiltration of the Fowl Manor and the glory of my bum-flap! Did you include how I singlehandedly turned the whole kidnapping situation around and saved the day with my gallant moves? While we’re at it, let's just film the whole movie underground, since that’s where all the action is at. And if you’re looking for any more actors for the dwarf army, I can recommend my cousins Nord and Ford...”

Artemis placed the fairy communicator on the table at the other end of the room. He could still hear Mulch’s voice echoing from it even from that distance. He massaged his temples, and began to write Mulch’s character interview without paying any more attention to the chortles emanating from the communicator.

~*~

Butler, to Artemis’ relief, was on the opposite end of the spectrum of enthusiasm from Mulch.

“I don’t have any opinion on how my character should be portrayed in the movie. Just do it however the production team wants. And Artemis, you look horrible. What happened last night?”

Artemis thought about the all-nighter he pulled, writing Mulch’s interview notes. He waved it aside. “Nothing much, just work as usual.”

Butler smiled and returned to his copy of Guns & Ammo. This reminded Artemis of a request the production team had. “Butler, the production team had asked about your weaponry. Since your collection is quite diverse, they were wondering if they could borrow a few to take as reference”. Butler chuckled. “Well, there are so many action movies around. It shouldn’t be hard for them to refer to those instead.” Artemis relayed Butler’s message to No.1, and the warlock gave a thumbs-up before typing furiously. Artemis thought he heard No.1 murmur that a magic bow would be suitable. He raised an eyebrow, but decided against clarifying as it would probably result in yet another hour-long debate.

~*~

Foaly was exhilarated about the production. “Of course the movie has to be about the gadgets! Come, let me show you a few inventions that I made!” Foaly gestured towards a complex headset, which he explained would transform the wearer’s imagination of exercising into actual aerobic exertion and calories burning. “And this is my Indoor Bathroom Karaoke System. I.. no, an acquaintance of mine is a hidden bathroom singer, and what better way to express _our_ talents with a fully waterproof, surround-sound karaoke system! And I came up with a gadget to combat climate change that is so much better than the project you introduced during the events of the Atlantis Complex...”

By the end of the session, Artemis discovered a dozen more vulnerabilities in Foaly’s systems to hide Easter eggs over the next few weeks. On the flip side, the centaur’s rambles proved unsurprisingly unhelpful, and he ended up writing another character interview from scratch again. 

~*~

Artemis was sipping his Earl Grey tea and taking a break from consolidating the character notes, when Commander Trouble Kelp called.

“Artemis, I have an important request to make. Can my role be changed to a female in the movie?”

Artemis choked on his tea.

“Wait.. no. It’s not what you think it is! The female recruitment rate in the Lower Elements Police has nosedived over the past few years, and management has been barking at me about the gender imbalance. I believe that having a greater female representation in the LEP cast will encourage more females to sign up for the force. Actually, why not make the entire LEP force female? That would certainly boost our figures.”

Artemis asked quietly. “Even Commander Root?” Trouble barely hesitated in his retort. “Of course he would have to be female! Otherwise the LEP would be about Commander Root and his harem of lady officers!”

Artemis considered for a moment before explaining. “I think that it might be a tad unrealistic to make the entire LEP female, since it is definitely not so in reality. I would suggest a 50:50 ratio. But what about Commander Root though? Should he be cast as a male or a female in the movie?”

Trouble replied, "It would give the LEP a positive image to have a female in command. Julius had always placed the interest of the LEP above his own, so I’m sure that he would not mind being portrayed by an actress in the movie. But you better find the _damn most stellar_ actress that you have for him! He deserves nothing but the best.”

Artemis groaned internally. Now he had to rewrite the character notes of the entire LEP and get the production team to find a new cast. 

~*~

After months of all-nighters and mediating numerous in-fighting among the interviewees, Artemis eventually completed and compiled the character notes. He could not have felt more free the day he completed his prison sentence and bid goodbye to the movie production. 

Months passed before the teaser trailer was released on YouTube. Artemis took out 1 minute and 38 seconds of his busy schedule that day to watch it. Exactly 44 seconds later, there was a knock on his door. His father entered and sat opposite Artemis with a grave look on his face. “Artemis… I watched the trailer. Why was I not featured in it?”

Artemis was confused. Wasn’t his father lost in Murmansk during the events of the fairy kidnapping? Why would he play a major role in the movie?

His father listened to Artemis’ explanation and nodded ruefully. “I understand, but it was my childhood dream to become a famous actor. Well, the whole Fowl criminal enterprise got in the way, and I’m far too old to make my debut in Hollywood. But this movie, having my character in it, would satisfy the oldest wish that I had all this while. Please, my son, it would really make me happy to be a part of the movie! And after all, Familia...”

“Potestas Est,” Artemis finished his father’s sentence. “Aurum Potestas Est'' used to be the motto of the Fowl family. However, after all that they had been through, family replaced gold in its importance to the Fowls. And Artemis could not agree more. He had lost too much precious time with his family, from his disappearance in the island of Hybras to his temporary death at the Berserker Gate. But his family had supported him nonetheless, and was now the source of his strength. Artemis would do anything to make his loved ones happy.

Artemis gave a reluctant sigh and nodded. Time to call No.1 again.

**Author's Note:**

> I read freudwithwing's amazing fanfiction [Public Relations](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16768204), and inspiration struck me while I was trying to sleep that night. I woke up at around 3am to write the first draft, and only went back to bed sometime after 4. Special thanks to P and S for proof-reading and providing so much advice! I think that this is more of a collaborative work than an individual one. 
> 
> I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing it!


End file.
